Buhner Dot Com Est. 2000, which is like 1947 in Internet years.

Married to teh ghey

So on John Stamos' Twitter feed (@JohnStamos), he posts a link to this article, saying "i like number 12 the best-". Now obviously drawn in to see what #12 is, I skim the whole article.

It's comedy gold, I tell you.

I'm a big fan of religious hyperbole - I grew up drawn to these late night religious infomercial-type programs they played on New York's channel 9 on Sundays that explained how rock music was obviously the work of Satan, right down to playing the records backwards - and this falls right into that category. Look, I feel bad for any woman who finds that she's married to a homosexual man, but using this article to learn if he is isn't exactly the Batman "World's Greatest Detective" route. Let's take a look at these clues.

1) Secretive late night use of cellphones and computers

Using your computer secretly late at night doesn't mean your husband is gay. It could mean he's having a heterosexual affair, or in a worst-case scenario has a fantasy baseball team.

2) Looks at other men in a flirtatious way

Oh sure - women can call each other pretty, but when I check out Lamar's ass I'M gay. That's fair.

3) Feigning attention in church and prayer groups

Remember kids - if you get bored in church, you're gay. Then again, it is hard to concentrate on the Bible when you're thinking about this:

4) Overly fastidious about his appearance and the home

Gay men: clean, straight men: slobs. That's why I don't clean up after myself, hon - if I did, I'd have to leave you for a man.

5) Gym membership but no interest in sports

I think this one should be changed to "Gym membership and actually goes" - THAT is a dead giveaway.

6) Clothes that are too tight and too “trendy”

Well shit - I'm safe there.

7) Strange sexual demands

SAFE: "Dress up like a cheerleader." GAY: "Dress up like a cheerleader... and cheer as I service an entire football team." There's a fine line, people.

More interested in the men than the women in pornographic films

Well, there's no way to win this one. If you comment on the men, you're gay. If you comment on the women, you'll get ripped apart for the next week for liking "those type of sluts" and "maybe you'd like me better if I were a whore." Dude - if he's checking out guys' dicks, it's going to be during #1 up there.

9) Travels frequently to big cities or Asia

Actual comment from the article: Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife? Nope. Never. San Francisco is 18th-ranked city in the WORLD in GDP, but I'm sure that's all a front for homosexual activity. TRUE FACT: homosexuals cannot live in a city smaller than 1 million people. It's in their bylaws.

10) Too many friendly young male friends

But if he starts stalking Girl Scout meetings? That's cool. Also acceptable: angry young male friends. Who trusts a friendly young person anyway?

11) Sassy, sarcastic and ironic around his friends

I might be in trouble here. More detail please.

A man who is secretly engaged in homosexual activity with others may exhibit feminine qualities when they get together in a group. In a sense, he has “let his hair down” and this will be seen in excessive back talk and speaking with one’s hands.

OK, so let me write this down. Italians... gay... got it. NEXT!

12) Love of pop culture

Also to quote: Gossip websites, Glee and The Golden Girls are three well-documented icons of the gay movement that genuine heterosexual men avoid. I'm leaving the links because they're possibly even more mind-boggling than this one I'm digging though, but really - "genuine heterosexual men"? What the hell am I supposed to watch, gladiator movies?

13) Extroverted about his bare chest in public

Shirtless at the beach: fine
Shirtless at Barnes & Noble: GAY

I think I can handle that.

14) Sudden heavy drinking

It's a shame, because this is actually a legit psychological sign that gets buried in with the rest of this crap. Hell, it gets buried in the description of this sign:

Is there a strange odor about him when he returns, some strange mix of cigarettes and gel?

Cigarettes and gel? Like, what kind of gel? Hair gel? Crest gel? Seriously - this is starting to make me look at Jersey Shore WAY differently now.

Does he cry frequently?

Because if he does, he's a wuss. And wuss=gay. MAN UP.

15) Ladies, have you dated men in the past who turned out to be gay?

Then it's probably your fault. If you had only kept them from big cities, soap, and Glee, he would have given you a litter of children by now!